


For the better.

by chiyokintou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Parents, Baby, Christaxymir, F/F, Historia, Historiashavingababy, Historiaxymir, Lesbian, Parents AU, Realistic, Sad, Shingeki no Kyoujin - Freeform, Single Parent AU, Yuri, alternate universe - addiction, alternate universe - rehab, autobiografical, gayyy, not ymir's baby though, pregnancy au, pregnanty au, snk, snk yuri, that's not possible yet, ymir - Freeform, yumikuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-03-18 15:15:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3574411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiyokintou/pseuds/chiyokintou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Historia's pregnant with her shitty boyfriends baby and has no place to go. Ymir changes everything for the better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the better.

When I was a younger a woman told me that if I wanted to make someone love me, I had to make them need me. Because people only realize they love someone when they need them to survive. That’s how humans work. They want to survive, they want their children to survive and for their family tree to keep going and going until someone of another race becomes superior and their pride is shatters all over the floor like little parts of racism draped on a china plate.

To me it seemed as if she was saying that love didn’t exist. Maybe that was because back then I didn’t quite understand her, now I do.  It took me quite something. Believe me, having someone who needs you with all their life doesn’t come like thunder in a blue sky. It might be a little bit like finding an injured bird.. yet you have to try and keep it alive to make it trust you. Like I did when I was younger; I found an injured bird and took it in.

It died a few days after. I have never really been good at taking care of living beings.

Living beings includes myself, because at this early point in this story my life evolved around three questions I asked myself every day;  How many cigarettes do I have left?; What does it cost?;  and is she gay?

To all the people that were expecting something intensely philosophical:  I’m sorry I just wasn’t, wait until later in the story when I get all weak ass and sweet.  

Because as you might have expected, this isn’t a story about me. This is a story about..  Straight blond hair and tears in blue eyes. My absolute weakness. This is about crying on your knees and memories that choke you.

I remember the first time seeing her being absolutely terrible. I hated her. I thought she was ignorant and spoiled. Oh,  never had I been so wrong. I didn’t realize that out of anyone, she was the one most like me. Only then nice. Only then beautiful. Only a little less ignorant. Because I- the secondary citizen-  was the breakable plate of racism in high school.

She smiled and I felt like making fun of her, because that’s just the way I was  “The name’s christa, nice to meet you” her accent was a little more british than mine.

“Ymir”  was the only thing I mumbled, my sick lesbian puber brain not even looking into the damn blue eyes deep enough to see anything. I handled too fast. Too harsh. Yet she didn’t really care, she sat down next to me and talked.  Not only to me, to everyone.. and everyone talked to her.

It took me about two days to get a crush on the damn girl. Took me about 2 years of deep friendship to confess. The time being by her side was lovely yet incredibly painful. I was harsh and ungainly. My freckles were darker and my hair rarely soft like hers. I still don’t know why she hung out with me. Like I must have torn her social status down with loud bang. This does kind of explain why she turned me down though. Because she did. After those 2 years she turned me down oh so kindly. She whispered, with tears in her eyes that we could “still be friends” and  “I’m just not that kind of woman..”  She even said that “maybe I  will some day  but not yet”

I fucked up right there and then.

Got mad and told her that I didn’t want to see her again. She didn’t believe me. No matter how loud I screamed  “get the fuck away from me, I know you  think I’m disgusting, you are a fucking bitch”   but she just kept on whispering “No you are not” and “You don’t mean that”  and it was true. It was oh so damn true.  Her blue eyes pierced into my dark ones, right there and then, and she hushed me to calm down  “I know you will always be there”   I had just nodded. I had nodded and then turned around.  

All because I am not the type that cries.  Or well.. I thought that I was not the type to cry. That was the reason I left and never even came back. That I never even finished school despite of being smart for a girl with my background.  I was weak, I realize now. If I had been strong I had cried, and I had cried all the days after that. But instead I ran, because apparently I thought that water coming out of your eyes was worse than hiding and ruining my life.

 

Back to the three questions, pushing the choking memories away for a second.  We have:  how many cigarettes I do I have left?  the answer at this point is: enough to make progress in the whole ‘getting cancer and dying young’ thing I was working on.  How much does it cost?  My rent? The cigarettes? The crappy beer?  not much for the average person, too much for my pot selling ass. Well not the beer, the beer way way too cheap.  House rule; if the beer isn’t shitty it had been too expensive.  Thinking back to that house rule I am actually kind of glad I moved away from that shithole somewhere in the cheapest apartment building in the cheapest neighborhood with the cheapest woman living in it. I wasn’t one of those cheap woman. I was the one that didn’t pay for what they had to give and yet still got it; it sounds terrible I know. I kind of was terrible.. then again if I had been a man it would have just been excused as manly behaviour.

Girls never really minded hanging out in my piss melanged apartment because they all had secret crushes on my big fat gay friend Reiner -who amazingly enough managed to buy even shittier beer than I did from time to time- and some even crushed his boyfriend Berthold.  Though that was probably because they wished his dick was in perspective with the rest of his body and everything would be a sweaty and slippery as his face all the fucking time.

Come to think of it.. the question ‘are Reiner and Berthold having sex on my couch again?’  should really be one of the big fat ‘this was my life before her’ questions.  They weren’t when it all happened, just to be clear. We were actually just watching family guy in worst quality (that’s the quality of my tv) and drinking more shitty beer than was actually humanly possible. It was quite the talent really.

Reiner was just giving one of his infamous imitations only berthold liked when someone knocked my door. The big moment I didn’t expect to be big.   I cursed under my breath and grunted “Reiner you get it.”  It was not because I was lazy- it was because they had no premision to be in my house whatsoever.  “If it’s the police I’m going to betray you”   “Fine just get goin’ “  

I kicked him off the couch and watched berthold become nervous ones again. Made me wonder how he got into the damn illegal business once again.  “Ymir, it’s a cute girl, didn’t know you money, you should have told me”   I remember getting up a little faster than usual - hurting my head in the progress- and pushed Reiner out of the door opening.

It took me for what seemed like hours to recover from the sight I saw. Two beautiful blue eyes, that stood oh so sad and helpless.  A skin so light it could only belong to someone of the top class, most expensive china plate they forget to put mix with racism.  Cherry lips and memories that choked me. It was sight I had never thought I’d see again, and it took me too long to realize it was real. To realize I was not on drugs or dreaming. Though seemed like I had been for ages, and she had never existed.. and because of that I was too late with reacting to her hopeful eyes “Shall I leave?”  

And her hopeful eyes were going in fraction of a second. It broke my heart and made me realize I didn’t want her to leave, and that didn’t want her to see what I become either. I was not proud of it. I’m still not proud of it.  “No”  neither of the way I choked that word out.  “No, you should stay, just wait a second”  I turned my head to my best friends “Reiner, Berthold!”  

“Don’t send us away just go to the fucking kitchen”   

“Will you piss of?!” A long sigh came from the other inside as they got up and walked past us. Historia whispered a soft ‘I’m sorry’.

I got rid of the beer and pot as she sat down, watching a commercial about toothpaste or something.  She swallowed so obviously that shocked me, I remember. And everything went so slow that I felt like traveling to time. As if could do stuff without anyone seeing it. It was heavy to look at her, because had almost forgotten her and her blue eyes. Something was once used to had become a wonder.  

“I’m sorry for coming” was the first thing she whispered, as I turned off the television and it’s loud noise.   

“That’s alright”  for a while we just sat there. She sipped the tea I had made her - with a old tea bag, while hoping tea can’t rot-  and seemed to be sorting herself out. I let her. Waiting until she was finished took long enough but wasn’t bad. All the stories I made up in my head made it quite amusing.  

“I know that we haven’t spoken in a while”

“like five or six years”

“Yeah.. I’m sorry” She swallowed “I had no where else to go. I messed up. I messed everything up, my boyfriend left me and I have no money and I had no where else to go.. so I just-”

“You came to me because of a boyfriend? anyhow don’t you have family and lots of people that love you and shit?”

She shook her head, a sign that she didn’t want to give an explanation for that one “Usually I would have tried to figure this out myself, I swear, but..”   A deep breath. An open mouth. Nothing that came out.

“It’s alright”  I whispered. Shocking myself. Fuck shocked myself so bad because this was the first time I let something that was asleep somewhere deep inside me come out. I tried to blame it on ulter motives but I didn’t really have any.

“alright.. I- I am carrying a baby, ymir. I can’t do this alone, I can’t stay in the cold when someone life is in my hands.”   

A silence fell. And for this one I never blame myself. What the fuck was I supposed to do. What the fuck was I- the drug dealing lesbian- supposed to do with a fucking baby? or more like pregnant gorgeous women. I couldn’t raise a fucking kid, I couldn’t give them money and I couldn’t make love to the girl. Out of self respect and pride because having sex with pregnant broken ladies is something you just don’t do.   

Only the fact I was thinking about it was strange and absolutely stupid. Then again who to call and who to send her to was a question that hung in the air too. The girl herself claimed she had no one to go to and I.. I had never really had anyone.  Well a few people, just not people you entrust with a beautiful girl.

“Look, christa-”

“Historia”

“What?”

“I go by historia now” Historia, alright. That was fine too, story was something for another time.

Ymir thought again before speaking, yet didn’t find better words “You can stay but.. I have nothing either, as you can see” Because really, what did Historia want out of the small cold apartment that smelled like weed and piss?  She wanted a life there? Something steady? She wanted something I was able to offer at the moment.  

“You have more than I do.. and you are stronger than I am. Strong enough to keep me standing for now.. and I know that I am selfish for requesting such a thing after hurting you and staying away for such a long time but you are the only person I could come up with that I believed in”  Tears in her blue eyes. Her voice was shaking. I wonder if she knows what look did to me at that moment. Because it pushed buttons I didn’t know I had.   

I believed her and her words made me believe in me too. Something that was actually crazy - looking at the situation- but still I did.  It was new. It was a little bit scary too, as if someone else had been living inside of my house and only now I figured out.  

I didn’t realize it quite enough. I pushed it away and I didn’t figure it out good enough.   “You can stay with me for a few days but after that I want you gone and out”

“Thank you”

* * *

 

I don’t know what it had been. Maybe it was the rilling in her voice or the memories we shared together but that night I climbed onto the couch and let her sleep in my bed. I claimed it was because she was pregnant but even I didn’t believe myself.  I didn’t give a ratsass if a girl was pregnant or not. I didn’t give a ratsass about anything as long as I could cum and take advantage of a beautiful lady. I used to not give a ratsass about anything, and I knew that too as I was laying on that couch. Wide awake and confused at my own actions.

It might have been because of those nights. Two nights I spend like that, absolutely nervous at her presence and ashamed I’d have to go out to bring people pot, ashamed people rung the bell of my house and asked christa for the damn soft drugs.   It might have been because I had never woken up to the smell of breakfast, I had never had anyone scolding my for the things I bought.. I should have hated it but I didn’t.

“Mind if I put on some music?”  She had asked at some point and before I could answer she had put a cd inside of my player. She smiled brightly, like she had done ever since her breakdown as slow jazzy piano started playing. I think..  I think I had never wanted to kindly touch a women and dance with her.

Yet there it was. It was all I lusted after “Miles davis, my favorite jazz artist”  

“Jazz” I whispered as I walked up to her. It was true, she entirely different from the girls around the hood “You want to dance?”  even less afraid.

“Do I look like I want to dance?” I mumbled, sipping my coffee.

“Actually yes, yes you do”  

“And have you forgotten-”

“You deserve much more”  Something I had never heard.

Somehow I took her hand. Somehow I pulled her close and laid my head against her ear.

Somewhere.. My mind was anywhere but here in my sucky life  “I can’t dance though”

And so our dancing must have looked terrible. That didn’t stop us from moving through the room in each others arms, and smiling more honestly than we had done in quite a long time.  Maybe that’s when I fell in love with what she brought. My fearlessness only took a second though.

My fear was there when we were sitting to watch a movie. My fear was there when she avoided me as much as she could so she wouldn’t bother me.

I wanted her to stay and I was too much of a little bitch to admit it.

To be honest, I glanced at her belly, and sometimes one time I held up her hair when she was morning sick.  I made her food and watched her as she wanted food but didn’t say it out loud. I rarely had anything so I bought chocolate when I went shopping and told Historia to stay another two days. Just calmly call some people, just see where she could go.

 

Here’s where the painful thing comes in.. Without really wanting to I started looking in every news paper. Glancing over it for jobs I would be able to do. This easily turned into taking the papers home and trying every single job they asked for. Calling and going to every shop. It made me dead tired, as I had never really done anything, and it didn’t even give me any money.   

Historia still slept in my bed alone, with the extra sheets over her as she got sick pretty quick. She had mood switches and when I was out for a job interview she ate my ice. I dealt with it. I was pretty damn proud about it too but I dealt with it just fine. At day time I did my job, gave people soft drugs and put blankets over the blue eyes girl that constantly felt like doing something ‘useful’ but still acted like she was on her period all the time.

One night I was sitting in the kitchen again, striping away jobs I couldn’t do and searching up those I could. It was becoming more tiresome as done of the jobs I send letters ever returned anything. People that have to check job interviews are assholes, I’m telling ya. It pissed me off to no extend and for once the coffee and incredibly large amount of cigarettes didn’t make it any better. Maybe it was the frown though, and the bags under my eyes, that were so heavy they compromised the coffee.  

The door of my bedroom opened softly and carefully, her eyes stood surprised, tired and worried. When she saw what I was doing - and I was too late in hiding it-  she bit her lip and let her eyes glance over the papers, then over my entire body. She kept quiet. Tears welled up in her eyes. Because doing this was so unlike me. All of this’care taking’ and ‘working for the sake of someone else’ was so fucking unlike me. Yet she had believed in me. Not necessarily thinking of me such a thing but ever since I confessed, 6 years ago, she had trusted me with her life.  “Ymir” She breathed out. And hell, she could have just ripped my heart out and slammed it into the ground because it would have given me the same feeling. Was I embarrassed?  Yeah maybe I was.. maybe I was just embarrassed for showing my emotions. For ignoring my friends for days and taking care of someone.

“I was thinkin ‘bout gettin another job, a normal one”   

She sat down on one of the crappy chairs and smiled at me “seems like a nice idea”

“You shouldn’t walk around like that, it’s cold in here, it aint good for the baby”  I said, pointing at her, still not very big,  belly.   

“Don’t think it works like that, ymir”  she kept on saying my name. She kept on smiling. She kept on letting her gorgeous blue eyes tear up.

I didn’t want them to do that anymore.

That’s why.

That’s why I was sitting on the damn kitchen all night. I know that now. I didn’t want to accept it back then though.

“It doesn’t huh? I guess I have some things to learn then”

“Do you mean.. I can stay?”

I snorted “Who the hell is going to be nice like me and let you in?”

“Yeah that’s true”  anyone would let her in. We both know that and they both knew that. All the world knew it and if they had overheard the conversation they would have jumped in to take Historia far far away from me Not that we would be able to take them apart because all that this conversation was saying was ‘stay with me, stay with me, stay with me god damnit’

“On top of that.. I’m going  on an interview tomorrow”

“That’s great”

“I know, now go to sleep historia”

 

Next day I got the job. For the first time in forever I went to a bookstore, ten dollars in my pocket and a sweet voice in my mind. When I saw a child my heart sped up, which was stupid. It was probably because when I saw historia’s belly I didn’t think something like that was growing in there. One time, while I was walking to a bookstore a kid smiled at me and reached out to me. Something that had never happened before. When I smile back to the kid and walked up to him he reached out and touched my face “springles.”  the white boy mumbled.  The woman, around her 30’s smiled at me worriedly. Normally girls dressed as black man in ripped pants aren’t the kind to let a kid touch their freckles. She was damn right, normally I wasn’t  “Those are freckles honey” she had mumbled while taking back his hand “Sorry for my kid, he’s discovering”

“It’s fine..”  I was discovering too.

I was buying a book for fathers in pregnancy and raising kids for 8 dollar and spend the rest on chocolate for a girl. Hell I was discovering a whole new world and a whole new me. I might as well have been controlled by someone else because I had no idea what was going on but I was just going with the flow. Just doing what seemed right. Not thinking about it. Not hiding shit or running away like I had done 6 years ago and I honestly had no idea where I was going to go with it.

I just knew that.. if Historia’s baby was going to grow up like the kid that touched my freckles.. if he was going to be that big and I wasn’t there to see it, I’d lose my shit. And if the kid grew up to be like me,  I would most likely never forgive herself.

 

“I bought you chocolate”

“You’re spoiling me”

“I also got the job”  Historia looked at me with wide eyes and a big grin on her face- A look I’d remember later in my life whenever I was feeling like giving up- and then ran my way and threw her arms around me. She didn’t speak, she just let her face hide in my hair and her smile touch my neck kindly.

“I thought you were beating around the bush” she whispered after a while of standing like that. It does seem like something I’d do. Yet I didn’t, because I had done something I was proud of.  “Thank you ymir..”

“Ain’t doin’ it for you only”

“Alright, if you say so”  The woman smiled innocently and then turned around, I watched her hips move and couldn’t help but smile at the power she had.  “So you want to celebrate?”

“Drinks!”

“I can’t have any” she pointed at her belly and smiled apologetic.  Like that I started figuring out a lot about baby’s. And after Historia went to back hours before I did I started reading the book I had bought and learned even more. Stupid emotional stuff about woman - turned out I had a storm coming if I was going to stick with historia for now-  and stuff about health and steady bases. Smoking was a no - which was something I though I wouldn’t be able to not do-  and no raw foods for historia, also she had to pipe down on the coffee we drank in the morning while mumbling things about the music, the morning paper we had since I was searching for jobs or just about our past and future.

Next morning Historia took a cup of coffee and a cracker with raw pork, which was kind of fucking ironic really and I- of course- felt the need to say something about it.  “Ya can’t just eat that”

“What?” She asked while drinking her coffee.

I took the cup out of her hand before she drank any more and pressed it to my own lips, drinking her coffee to avoid her drinking it. She she stared at me, endlessly confused but also rather amused.

When I was done I took her food and put it in front of me too, ate it while she still watched me. We waited untill I was done eating until I explained myself  “You see-”  I swallowed one last time “You need to check what’s bad for the damn kid, you want it to become unhealthy, dead or ugly?”

Christa had frowned in confusion but yet laughed a little  “It’s just meat and coffee.. not like I’m taking an overdose, which you’d do”  she finished.

“Hey don’t f’kin judge me, I’m piping down on it all”

“Yeah speaking about ‘piping down’” she mimicked me “Where’s the usual cloud of smoke?”

I sighed “Smokin’s bad for babies, common knowledge”

“True” she whispered while standing up and putting on the water boiler so she could fix herself a cup of tea instead of the coffee I had taken away from her in a horrid way “So why would you care?”

“Ouch, passing me off as some heartless bitch?”

“Most likely the only one who doesn’t actually”  Truer words had never been spoken. Yet she demanded an answer on her question with her stern blue eyes burning into me. The eyes of a real woman. Eyes that can get anything if they tried. EVen my answers. Even me showing my embarrassment, my love, my weaknesses.  

So I grunted, as tough as I could and then I looked back at her, directly;  it scared the hell out of me  “Bought some book ‘bout parenting yesterday”

“And it said I couldn’t eat this pork?”

I remember standing up aggressively, taking the last bite of her pork and yelling “damn right it did” with a full mouth. And hell, did she laugh beautifully when I did that. My, must I have looked ugly while doing that.  Yet I did it, and I enjoyed it. I swallowed loudly and grinned at her “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going outside to take a smoke”

“Mind if I come with?”

I didn’t, I said, but she had to stay away from me and walk on the side the smoke didn’t head.

* * *

 

At this point of the story my doubts were pretty much gone. Historia’s had rosen though. She’d been crying for about 1 hour and 25 minutes and she was now sitting on the couch watching dora.

I was laying next to her -far away so that she wouldn’t get awkward with my gayness- as she woke up and whispered “I can’t do this”  She started crying for half an hour before I managed to get her out of our room and into the living room. That’s when she took the pack of  icecream and put on dora. Dora was the only thing on at five o’ clock as normal fucking people don’t wake up at such a time.  “Dora’s a little bitch” Historia whispered as she cuddled up against me and got icecream on my shirt.  “Don’t say that though, in a while you’re going to have to watch nothing but this shit”  I mumbled and she grinned.  She hated being pregnant, I knew that, but she loved the idea of having a kid around. I did too and there was nothing I feared more than them meeting some amazing man with lots of money.  I had gotten a second job by now. One for midday tuesday till friday and one for on evenings in the weekend and monday.  Sometimes I did temporary work when people were ill. All with all I made more than I usually would because I wasn’t able to completely cut off my old business. Whatever I did or said some people just kept on coming back.  It was becoming less, yet I couldn’t live without the bit I still had. It was the extra chocolate ice, the extra pillows to cry in and the many tests with the doctor I took her to. If selling shit would give me the opportunity to do those things, I would stick with it for the time being.

After a few more laughs and icecreams historia fell asleep against me. I turned down the television and watched her sleep. She snorted softly, because she had been crying and it had gotten her nose running. It was cute and I imagined another little blond one laying with us on the couch. I was so fucking afraid. I was so fucking afraid because only real way of saying you are fearless and free is by saying ‘I have nothing more to loose’ and hell had that been my motto for all those years. All the years before Historia came back in my life and the little one did too. It had fucked me up.  

A knock on the door snapped me awake. It was saturday morning so my shift started at 5, no one had a legit reason to wake me up. It didn’t wake Historia though, she just kept on snoring cutily.  “Ymir! Stop fucking avoiding us we know you are in there and what the fuck have you been doing?” Reiner’s voice galmed through the room.  

I slowly tried lay Historia’s head down on a pillow instead of on me and stood up to open the door.  “shh, jesus stop being so loud it’s like 9 o’ clock what the fuck are you guys doing?”

“Figured you’d at least be at home now”

It was the truth. Before I met Historia I’d always be out until 7  and fall asleep untill 3. These days I fell alseep around 12 together with historia and I’d start working before she even woke up.  “Usually I’m not but it’s weekend, you’re lucky”

Reiner barged in without asking and Berthold apologized as he followed. They had the right. Can’t deny it pissed me off at that moment but they were my best friends and I had been an incredible asshole for not letting them know anything for such a long time. They had all the damn right to barge into my apartment like they used to.   

“There’s a girl sleeping on your couch.. you work to pay her?”

“Oh my god Reiner no, she fucking lives here and eats all my ice cream that’s it”

“No sex?”

I rolled my eyes as if I would never, which was completely false in any case “No Reiner, she’s having a baby in like four months”

The look on his face had been hilarious, now that I think about it. His mouth almost fell open and his eyes were wide. I should’ve taken a picture actually “You’re working to pay for a child’s care?”  Now that it came out of his mouth it sounded weird. Out of place. It was like a brick hit her head and told her she had completely lost herself and their respect.  

“Well..” she had no explanation. She was working because she started loving the child and Historia. She cared way too fucking much and Historia didn’t even love her. Historia was still the pretty straight girl, only now with a child inside of her, and ymir had become stupidly attached to both.

Reiner laughed “That’s fucking amazing. You’ve found something to give your life for ay?”  His boyfriend smiled and blushed as Reiner threw his arm around him “So lucky though, we can never have a baby”

“It’s not exactly like it’s mine so-”

“but you love it don’t you?”  

I felt like I was choking a little. Like my mind was bumping up and down and my blood stopped rushing through me like it always did “I- I guess”

“And her?”

“I-”  I was interrupted by a moan coming from my couch. A high and cute one. One that made my heart speed up. I wondered about the question but never answered it. It wasn’t a secret that I had made love to Historia in a second if she’d just asked, or even that I would have wanted to persuade her into falling for me. But love?  Hell like I even knew what that meant in such a way.

“Ymir?”  she moaned.

I turned and forgot Reiner and Berthold for a second “Right here”  my voice was softer than the two had ever heard it.

Her tired eyes moved up and looked at us. She took her time to take everything in and then she smiled softly  “Guest?”  

“Yeah, uh, my friends.. the ones that were here when you first came”   Reiner and Berthold seemed.  Instantly the two moved to the couch and started having average chit chat. Way too happy, all excited. They laughed at Historia’s bed head, Reiner called her cute (I punched him for that one, even though he was gay as a 3 dollar bill).   The two walked to the fridge and whined about how all the beer had gone away, then they took out some cola as they aren’t coffee ones. I was a coffee being, I was a coffee being until alcohol was acceptable and since now it never was, I was a being for coffee and coffee alone.  Reiner and Berthold had an even harder time accepting this than I did. They seemed to be shocked out of their minds.  

Lots of embarrassing stories were told right there and then, they made Historia realize how much I had changed. It made her see how fucked up I was and had been. I was afraid Historia would look at me differently, but since I had told her parts and she had seen parts of me no one had; I trusted her.  

“So this was one of the first days of knowing Ymir and we didn’t know she was a lesbian ya know”  Berthold just nodded along with the story awkwardly  “ And we went to this part with her and she kept on drinkin these strong drinks and she kept standing straight and thinkin’ mean ya know.. She punched a few guys in the gut but we didn’ pass it off as anythin’ weird, but somewhere that evenin’ we lost her. Wanna know how we found ’er? ”   Historia was nodded with full interest, her arms around her belly and a honest, tired smile on her face.  “We found’er in the host’s room. Two chick’s layin’ next to her sleepin’ and naked, and ymir, she had this cocky grin on her face and mumbled “Hey guys, You fixed girls yourself cuz I was just done with these”  I swear at that moment I fell’n love with her”   

“Reiner you are so gay I could poke your asshole and loose my hand in it” I had grunted with a smile on my face, Historia sending me a scolding glare.

I liked that moment most, because after that Reiner and Berthold would show up from time to time and drink their shitty beer while imagining about little Historia out loud. All of us would moan, laugh and dream about clothes that were size 21 or something like that. It felt like they were my brothers, and I was having baby. Yet it was nothing like that. I was having no baby and they were no brothers of me. That’s what bothered me back then. That’s what kept me from coming out about loving them.

The past came up more and more after that. I told Historia stories about my past at midnight when the only sound was sipping of our coffee, the owl that howled from time to time and my low voice, rilling and cracking, yet confident. She’d laugh and cry, which was beautiful.  Those nights were the one thing that kept me going. Sleeping was something I didn’t need, and something I would manage to get anyway. So I spoke at night, and obeyed at daytime.  Carrying heavy boxes and cleaning people’s shit.  I was doing it for her. I was fucking homer simpson back then.  Still am.

* * *

 

Two months until the little one was there.  It was night and I was walking home from work.  Half past one. This wasn’t a new thing. Friday evening was always unnecessarily busy and families came together drinking our way too expensive french wine until they couln’t stand straight anymore and someone would have to come get them around one o ‘clock which was the time I would just really like to see Historia’s sleeping face and put my forehead on her enormous belly. Sometimes I’d lay like that for what seemed like forever just waiting to feel a movement. Historia was extremely tired all day every day and she would fall asleep while I’d lay like that.   

Yet right now I still had to take the bus down to the cheap and poor side of town and walk for a minute or two with my hands burning from the frost until I could see her. I had a headache and the bags under my eyes were almost as bad as the ones Historia wore lately. Only they looked good on the pretty little fat her.  

When I opened the door the lights were still on and Historia was sitting on the crappy kitchen chair. “Historia why are you sitting there? It’s cold, you should sit on the couch”  It was winter and freezing, I prefered her staying in bed all day.   

“Why are you doing this?”  She was crying. Her voice was rilling. My heart skipped a beat.

I moved closer to her as fast as I could and sat down next to her, my hand on her shoulder  “Why the fuck would you do this for me? Last time we talked you left me alone for 6 fucking years and didn’t bother to look back. And not in all those years did anyone ever see me for who I am except from you and I missed you so fucking much”

“I didn’t mean to, I just thought that-”

“I know it was my fault. I refused to go out with you and I didn’t love you. You are the most fucking perfect person on planet earth yet I couldn’t go out with you”

“You shouldn’t be blamed for your sexuality just like I shouldn’t”

She glared up at me, I expected her to punch me in the face really “But it wasn’t my sexuality holding me back”

“I think you should sleep, you are having one of your moods, I read about them it’s-”  

“You gave everything up for me. You had a perfect fucking life and you gave it up for me and this thing growing inside of m-”

“Don’t you fucking dare calling the little one a thing Historia!”  I snapped, standing up.

She cried louder.

She crushed me.

“I love you so much Ymir. I would have died without you.  She would have died without you. Yet I was a bitch to you back then and-”  I lost her somewhere around there. Not that I didn’t want to listen but her tears and shaky breathing made it too hard. Her words made no sense and I knew she was panicking. SHe didn’t speak words anymore, she just let emotions come out.  News flash: emotions sound terrible when coming out of your mouth without thinking about them.

I wrapped my arms around her for the first time since she came. Her hair against my face and her small - though now bigger- body shaking against me. She swallowed loudly and tried to calm her breathing by hushing her. “Look Historia, I know that for a long time you lived for others and that back in highschool I told you not to do so”  She nodded with a few hiccups “But now, for once I want both of us to break that promise, because we’re going to fucking live for this assholes kid”

“It- it a-aint his”  she cried  “It’s yours, It’s fucking yours”  

 

Back then we fell asleep in each others arms with tears in our eyes. Next morning I woke up before her; I was getting used to the whole ‘grown up people’ rhythm and it scared me till no extend.

When historia came down stairs I didn’t greet her “Frieda”

Historia’s eyes went wide and her legs were rilling; not able to carry a two person weight under such circumstances “W-what?”

“I was thinking.. that’s your sister who passed away right? Don’t you wanna name the little champ after her?”

“We don’t even know if it’s a boy or girl”

“We make frieda, fried, it’s not very complicated; I know how much you loved her”

Historia sat down and nodded. Thinking. I let her think in silence. Drinking my coffee and smiling pretty damn satisfied with myself. It was like 10 o’clock and I had found a lot of solutions to back away from my shitty life and her danger. I had texted an old friend, Jean, who had a boyfriend who graduated university to ask if he wanted to help me find a house somewhere in a better place. They probably knew lots of shit about home loan’s and stuff. Though I highly doubted I’d get any reaction since Jean basically disapeared off the earth after meeting this damn boy. And maybe that was a good think, because hell, Jean’s life was at least as fucked up as mine but most likely a lot worse. Jean worked at a rather cheap strip club for man. In no time at all he’d always end up with burn and stretch marks and he’d always act cocky and ignorant. No one really knew how to deal with him and since he wasn’t really worth it;  no one to get past that. They all let it stay at ‘he’s too fucked up’ or ‘too complicated’ and I did too. I was the same. He didn’t get past my walls, I didn’t get past his but shit did we party within those walls of being fucked up.

And finally someone tried. Finally someone came to break his walls with a smile and a university degree; I didn’t know anything about the guy’s boyfriend except from that. And I had been so damn jealous. I was laying in bed with some blond girl -who didn’t give a fuck about whether I was a boy or girl because attention is attention and she was a damn attention whore-  when Jean knocked my door to tell me about this guy he had seen and wanted to ask on a date. And I told him ‘back in highschool I had a crush high class cutie too.. It didn’t go well for me because I waited and because she was straight and stuff.. but I think you should play this one nice, take care of them, ask them on a date, stuff like that’  turned out I am quite the match maker.

The asshole never said thanks. So now it was his turn to return the favor.

 

Turned out Marco- Jean’s boyfriend- was the nicest and probably smartest guy alive and my precious white boy had done well letting everything fall because of him. He gave me all the information I needed and even helped me looking through houses. He was an medical major so he even helped on those things.

It took us few weeks until I had found a bigger apartment I wanted to show Historia. I didn’t buy it but I sure as hell had the deal standing when I took her for the first time - which was before she knew I had even been searching for a house.  It was in the better side of town, where kids could walk to school without being afraid and shit. It was different from all that I had ever lived. I had never tasted such a mood but when I walked through that neighborhood I realized that a kid could become.. a little like Marco or Historia. WIth that I mean properly educated and not addicted to drugs.

 

On a monday morning I took Historia. I didn’t tell her where we were heading “Something I’m thinking about” I had answered. Which might have been the most vague thing I had ever told her. With a thick ‘her’ because I’ve been stoned a lot and ‘why is corn yellow cornish’  or ‘we are small why are birds’  and crap like that is really more vague.

And so we stepped into the bus, hand in hand, we always walked hand in hand lately. We hugged and let our heads fall against each other. Yet I hadn’t tried to kiss her, or touch her in any other way. Believe me I wanted to but I knew it wasn’t most important. The little scout was important, Historia’s mental and physical health was, my needs weren’t.  “so it’s spatial but it’s a thought”

“More or less”

“You are being weird” She whispered while eating a snicker.

“If you want to dump me, now is the time”  I joked, a smirk on my face.

“And if I don’t I won’t be able to ever do it?”

“That’s right”  

Historia let herself lean against me, looking at our hands. They looked like yin yang, one tanned one and one incredibly pale one.  “I guess.. I’ll stick with you forever then”

“I’ll die before you so my ghost can haunt you,  that’ll be so much fun”

“I’ll realize it’s you, you stupid oaf”  I laughed wholeheartedly as I pointed to the door so that Historia would get out of the but with me. When we came out of the bus Historia spotted a icecream car and so I bought her an ice horn before going to the house.  I didn’t even panic about being too late as having a pregnant cute fatty on my arm would be more than enough.  

“In this apartment building? Are we meeting someone?” Historia had asked as I wiped some ice off her chin.  Yes. I had answered.  Because when we walked on I saw the man that sold the house smiling at us. He didn’t give away much, which I was thankful for.

“So miss,  a tour?”

“Ho Ho Hold up you guys”  Historia spoke up, I smiled silently, my eyes closed.  “A tour?”

“Through the house?” The man mumbled.

I could feel Historia’s eyes burn into me. She had seen the neighborhood, she had known my thoughts about mine… She knew what I was doing. I know she knew.  “Ymir?”

“Just do the damn tour through the house, I think you’ll like it”  I had grunted, embarrassed and actually not as upset as I might have sounded; though me red face might have given it away.  

 

It took historia about five minutes to start crying. Which was longer than I had expected.  Mister whateverIsellhouses left us alone with a smile on his face as Historia let herself fall onto the ground in the small room that would be best as the room for the little one. I told her that I was planning on blue clouds on the ceiling and lots of bears as soon as I had the money and she just couldn’t handle it.

Still not very sure about whether she was laughing or crying I sat down next to her and stroked her leg. “I- uhh.. I’m sorry?” I mumbled, hoping that was the right guess, actually fucking terified she was upset at me.  

“ What’dya say that for?” She pulled up her nose “You are amazing, I love you so much ymir, I love you, I love you.. You just.. you seriously-”  and she was crying again. Absolutely confusing my way too manly mind yet letting my sentimental heart race at her words.  “Ymir you don’t know how much you pulled me through”

“You did that for me..just.. just fucking look at me” I whispered, my voice cracking.   

Again she laughed with tears in her eyes. Then she took my face into her small hands and made me look into her eyes. I’ve said it and I’ll say it again: I have always been so weak for her blue teary eyes. They just tear me apart and smash me back together in a whole different way. They take my breath and become air.  “You are wonderful”  That’s when she pushed her lips on mine. Softly and lovingly. Everything was going slowly, she breathed in deeply against me, which made my heart turn and fall, only to be pushed back up when she deepened the kiss while breathing out again. She took my everything.. a single peck was enough to compromise it… hell;  a single look was.  It would always be. I would always keep fighting to be in a room with her. To have her smiling. My whole life, from that moment on, I would spend trying to get her to kiss me like that again. I promised myself back then, that I’d take care of her and that I’d never let her go again.

* * *

 

 

“Oh my god ymir stop panicking, we’ll be there in no time”  Jean said as he almost drove the car into a wall. Jean was the perfect example of the ‘ I have a licence but can’t drive’  type. Then again it wasn’t the usual situation to have a stressing women in your car.

“Panicking? I’m not panicking but oh my god her waters broke, hurry the fuck up Jean”

“The baby lady is with her, she’ll be fine”

“BUT WHAT IF SHE IS AN EVIL BABY STEALER?”  

Jean laughed loudly while almost driving some kids over and rushing to the hospital Historia was being taken to “Calm down ymir, No one’s going to steal your kid”

Jean had gotten used to calling the little one mine. At first he had cursed and called me stupid for calling it that. He said that no matter how hard I tried the kid wouldn’t be mine, and that I had to accept the fact I had a same sex relationship and the consequences. Yet a week later, when he knew the story and seen Historia’s situation he started calliong it my kid. Never had apologized. It wasn’t his style.  Or maybe he just took it over from Reiner and Berthold, who were always going on and on about being uncles and buying the little one action figures; even if it was a girl.

 

Running into the hospital, Jean did all the talking since I was just screaming and panicking. It was kind of embarrassing really. I just hoped everything would be fine.

When there a nurse spoke to us, a smile on her face  “Are you the father, sir?” She had asked Jean, to which the gay boy turned bright fucking red and shook his head  and said “No she is” while pointing at me.

I laughed, trying to hide that it actually hurt me we would always, forever (if she’d stick with me)  get the look that nurse gave us. I brushed it off with a joke though “Not biologically, more like financially”

“I see..” She had mumbled while awkwardly looking away  “Alright then, you can follow me.. It’s important to stay calm at all times,  your.. uh.. your friend is going through a lot of pain right now and-”  I lost her somewhere inbetween. Not only because I really wasnt freaking calm but also because her voice was annoying and I always have a hard time listening to annoying people.

I just really wanted to see historia.

Alright so from here I’m going to skip some things;  a lot of screaming crying and cursing. The woman I had learned to love hurting more than I would ever want her to hurt and a few hours full of sweating and screaming.

Then, eventually, after hard work from everyone but me- and my guilt rising-  there was crying. It was fucking great. It was the best moment of my whole life.

I cried too.

So did Historia.

We were terrible and we were crying, fucked up and tired… Historia was holding a little girl.

And so the faces of the two girls I loved most rested against each other. Wet, sweaty and bloody.  No one had any words and Historia just softly hushed the little one to silence.  “Little frieda.. sweet little frieda”  She sang with tears all over her face and bags under her eyes.  I smiled. She hadn’t come back on the name topic but frieda it was.

“Ymir..” She when Little Frieda was calm and she had shot out of her own little world “Come here”  

I did. Came closer and touched Frieda’s cheek. A rush going through me. I realized that this was a human. This was a person I had cared for. A living being resting on me.  “Ymir, when I came to your house.. I was hoping you would help me get an abortion”  

I looked up, my eyes wide, my heart skipping. I couldn’t imagine having done such a thing. Though if she had asked me to do so I would have helped her get an abortion; even tell her that was a better idea.

The idea shocked me now.. now that little Frieda was laying in our arms. I couldn’t imagine how it hurt her.   

“But you were so nice.. and you let me stay.. so I never asked, and so I changed my mind because I had hope for living a good life again.”

I cried like a kid.

I’m not even going to beat around the bush I cried for quite some time. My face against Historia and holding my screams back because it would wake little Frieda. I believe that if Historias cheeks weren’t wet yet they would have become wet because of my tears.  If she hadn’t been broken and tired yet I would have broken her with my shaky breaths and hiccups.

“I love you ymir. I love you.” She whispered, while looking at Frieda.  

I moved closer to her, kissed her cheek and whispered “I love you too, Historia, you are so unbelievable strong”  And then I moved down and kissed Frieda on her small forehead “You too”

 

Short update: 

As I sticked with Historia and Frieda and her became more and more beautiful everyday, I my life revolved around three questions;   Is this normal behavior for a kid? ;  Hey Historia do you still love me?;  Is that the food burning?

I know it all sounds a little bit sentimental and shit, but I warned you at the beginning of the damn story. Historia made me a freaking sab.  

Maybe it was because no one had ever honestly loved me like she did. Maybe because I had never been needed before.  We both didn’t really have a family and we decided to make our own. We decided on Frieda’s uncle’s (Even if it wasn’t the most wise choice we could have made)  and we made all the love we gave Frieda ourselves. As love is pushed into you as a kid;  we lacked love. And as we gathered a lot of love on the load towards Frieda’s birth;  Frieda wouldn’t have to lack it.

I’ll spare the details but I feel like it’s important to say this:  Historia and I made love to each other. And from that moment on I finally felt like I was really her partner or something like that. It was so different from all I had done before. And it wasn’t just the fear of waking the little one that was fucking finally sleeping in the room next to us. It was love (cheesy I know, and I’m sorry).  

Also, I finished my school with home schooling and finally got a steady and well paid job. Which really helped to get proper food on the table. Marco and Jean ate at our place often.  Because we loved them but mainly because Marco is a really good cook.

 

Finally.. Frieda.

Frieda is beautiful, and she takes after her mum in every way. She said her first word to Historia but her first step was set when I was holding her up. I guess that’s fair, mainly since her first word was ‘mommy’.  In the evening we read books together; Historia is the story teller and I need to do the silly voices. Historia said it was so that we wouldn’t get a kid with lack of imagination but I really think she just liked me to be embarrassed.

She was loved. Not just by us but by every friend we made. Believe me, we made lots of friends, all responsible and all kindly loving frieda. Frieda made lots of friends, all loved. And I learned.. that if you make yourself a proper person- no one will hate you for your natural flaws. Believe me, I have thousand of natural flaws.. but that was fine, I had girls that needed me. That still need me. I made friends and loved.

Daily I remembered the words “Maybe I will love you one day, but not yet”  because back then I had gotten so upset about them thinking she was lying; thinking it would never turn out this way.

I proved all of them wrong.

She didn’t just love me.. she gave me my life.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think (:


End file.
